The Unforeseen Consequences Of Being A Pastafarian What Happens After You Buy A Colander

Okay, You Bought The Helmet. Now What.

So you clicked buy on a stainless steel colander, it arrived in a bubble mailer from Amazon, and now you are actually doing this. Most people stop there. They use it once for a cosplay photo and shove it in a closet. A smaller number stick with it, and that is when the actual friction starts showing up. I went through three years of this before getting tired of arguing with airline security and HR departments, so here is what you are actually signing up for. The first consequence is administrative. Pastafarianism as an organized belief system has a specific structure now. It is not just "I wear a pasta strainer." There are tithes, there is a formal priesthood pathway through the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and there are documented legal battles that established some precedent. If you treat this casually, you will miss the part where the casual version stops working in your face. The second consequence is social. Wearing a colander as religious headgear in public draws attention. That is not a threat. It is a factual statement. People will ask questions. Some will be curious. Most will not be. You need to decide upfront whether you are going to engage or just nod and keep walking. My recommendation is nod and keep walking unless the person asking seems genuinely interested in the theology rather than looking for a fight.

The third consequence is the one nobody warns you about. Documentum. That is the name the religion gives to its official church records. Baptisms, weddings, confirmations. If you are serious about being a Pastafarian and not just someone who likes wearing kitchenware, you will eventually want to participate in a ceremony that the church recognizes. That means going through the official website, creating an account, and filling out the paperwork. It is surprisingly formal for something based on a satire. Here is the practical workflow for actually becoming recognized, not just playing dress up. Go to the church website. Create your account. Complete the catechism modules. They are short, mostly reading, and cover the core beliefs of the FSM. Then you can request a priest to officiate whatever event you need. Weddings are the most common request. The church offers standard marriage ceremonies that are legally recognized in countries where same-sex marriage is legal and where they have priests licensed to perform them. I hit a specific problem when trying to get a ceremony recognized in a jurisdiction that did not automatically accept online ordination. The workaround was straightforward but annoying. I contacted the local clerk's office directly before booking anything. I asked them in writing whether a priest ordained through the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be accepted for a marriage license. They said yes, but only if the priest was registered with the state. I had my officiant complete the state registration form, which took about ten minutes, and we were good. Do not skip this step. Getting turned away at the clerk's office is worse than you think.

Another thing people do not expect is the cost. The colander itself is cheap. Maybe fifteen dollars if you find a good one. But the religion is not free if you want to do it properly. Tithing is encouraged at ten percent of your income. That is the same expectation as most traditional religions. The church uses those funds for legal defense, charity work, and operating costs. If you are not comfortable with a tithing expectation attached to a satire-born faith, that is worth considering before you go further. There are also legal edges to be aware of. The colander helmet accommodation cases in the United States and Canada resulted in mixed outcomes. Some courts accepted religious headgear exemptions. Others did not, especially in contexts like driver's licenses where facial recognition is involved. I encountered this when renewing my license. The DMV agent was not hostile. He was just following policy. I ended up covering the colander with a thin scarf that still showed the shape, and they accepted it. It is a gray area. Do not assume your local equivalent will be flexible. Workplace accommodation is another minefield. In theory, religious headwear is protected. In practice, safety regulations often override it. I know several Pastafarians who had to stop wearing their helmets at work after OSHA or equivalent bodies got involved. Construction sites, labs, food service. The colander is a liability in those environments regardless of what you believe. Keep it in your bag and wear it outside work hours.

One counter-intuitive detail about the religion that most newcomers miss. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not actually taken seriously as a deity by most practicing Pastafarians. A lot of us joined as a protest against religious privilege in education. The religious framework is the vehicle, not necessarily the destination. Understanding that distinction matters because it changes how you navigate conversations with people who think you are a sincere fundamentalist. You are not. You are using a satirical religion for serious purposes. That is a nuanced position and it confuses everyone involved. There is also the question of community. The online forums are active but uneven. Some are genuinely helpful. Others are dominated by people treating it like an ongoing prank. If you want real support, look for local chapters. They exist in major cities and tend to be more grounded than the internet versions. The national organization has resources, but the local groups are where the actual social infrastructure lives. Downsides I will not gloss over. You will be misunderstood constantly. People will assume you are mocking religion rather than practicing something that has become real to you. You will deal with bureaucratic friction around religious recognition. There is a non-zero chance you will face hostility from both Atheist groups who see you as giving satire too much credibility and religious groups who see you as trivializing their faith. Both sides will tell you you are wrong. You will have to decide which criticism you can tolerate.

If you want an alternative path that avoids most of this friction, secular humanism or Unitarian Universalism offer structured communities with fewer absurdity-based complications. They are not satirical. They do not involve headgear. They are more conventional but also more widely accepted in institutional settings. The colander will not fall apart. It will survive. The consequences are the administrative, social, and legal ones that come with claiming a religion that started as a joke. Deal with them knowingly and the experience is manageable. Wish them away and they will deal with you instead.