Writing Obituaries: What Nobody Tells You About the Process
I've written dozens of obituaries over the years. Some for family. Some for colleagues. A handful for complete strangers because someone had to do it and time was running short. Here's the actual breakdown of how this works, what goes wrong, and what I wish I'd known before I started. A sample obituary is essentially a template or example of a death notice that someone creates before actually needing one. Most people never think about this stuff until they're scrambling at 2am with a funeral home on hold. Having a reference document you can adapt changes the entire stress curve. Here's how I structure a working obituary draft. I keep a running doc on my phone called something boring like "Obituary References." It's got fragments, phrases, and full samples I've collected from places like local newspaper archives, funeral home websites, and yes, even LinkedIn death notices that people post themselves.
The standard structure runs roughly like this: full legal name, age, city of residence, date of death, brief biographical sketch covering birthplace and education, career highlights, surviving family members listed in standard order, service details, and a closing line about donations or flowers. That's it. That's the whole skeleton. Where people screw this up is in the bio section. You'll see obituaries that read like resumes - "He was born in 1954, graduated from State University in 1976, worked at the same company for forty-two years, retired in 2018." That's accurate but it's also lifeless. A better approach is to pick two or three specific human details. He made terrible coffee every morning but somehow it tasted fine. He could fix anything except his relationship with his lawnmower. The specific detail matters more than the comprehensive resume. I remember one case where the family wanted to include the deceased's volunteer work at an animal shelter, but they also wanted to mention his controversial opinions on municipal zoning. Including the zoning thing got the notice returned by the newspaper three times. The paper didn't want the conflict. I ended up keeping the animal shelter mention and dropping the zoning references entirely. The final published version ran on a Tuesday and got about forty responses from people who knew him, which was exactly what the family needed.
Where to Find Reliable Sample Obituaries
Newspaper archives are the best starting point. Look up recent death notices from publications in your target region. Different areas have different norms. A small-town paper in Ohio expects very different language than a metro paper in Seattle. You can usually find these on the newspaper's website or through subscription services like Legacy.com, which aggregates obituaries from hundreds of papers across the country. Funeral home websites are another solid source. Most have sample obituaries posted for families to reference. These tend to be more formal and slightly more generic than newspaper samples, but they're safe and professionally vetted. Don't overlook personal blogs and memorial websites. People often publish full obituaries there before or instead of submitting to newspapers. These can be more personal and detailed, which gives you a wider range of stylistic options to draw from.
Get the Full Details
One practical tip I've learned: save copies of obituaries you find useful in a single folder. I have about forty samples organized by style - formal, casual, military, religious, secular. When I need to write one, I open the folder and scan through rather than starting from a blank page. That cuts drafting time from maybe forty-five minutes down to about fifteen.
Common Pitfalls I See Repeatedly
Inaccurate dates. This happens constantly. The wrong birth year, the wrong funeral time, the wrong surviving family member spelled incorrectly. I once spent twenty minutes on the phone with a funeral director correcting a maiden name that had been entered backwards. Get the facts confirmed before you submit anything. One call to a sibling or a close friend can prevent an entire category of embarrassment. Omitting key survivors or including deceased relatives without notation. Standard practice is to list surviving children, grandchildren, siblings, and parents if applicable. If a spouse or child predeceased the person, you note that. "Survived by his wife, Mary" when Mary died three years ago is jarring to readers who knew the family. Use "predeceased by" language where appropriate. It's a small detail that people notice. Tone mismatch. A stern, formal obituary for someone who was known as the life of every party feels wrong. A goofy, irreverent notice for a serious academic who spent their career in a field nobody really understood also feels off. Match the tone to the person, not to what you think sounds appropriate. There's no universal standard here. If the deceased would have wanted humor included, include it. If they were private and reserved, respect that.
Length issues. Newspapers charge by the line or by the inch. Some families don't realize their draft will cost them four hundred dollars instead of two hundred because they included too much biographical detail. Keep a trimmed version ready for submission and a longer version for personal keepsake records. Two versions is not dishonest. It's practical.
What No One Talks About: The Emotional Component
Writing an obituary for someone you knew well is harder than writing one for a distant acquaintance. You get too close to the details. You second-guess every word. You worry about offending people who aren't even alive to tell you. I've sat with drafts for days because I couldn't decide whether a particular phrase felt respectful or dismissive. The workaround I use is to read the draft out loud. If it sounds natural when spoken, it usually reads naturally on the page. If it sounds stiff or awkward, rewrite it. Simple as that. I'll read it to myself in the car on the way home from work. Half the time I catch the issues immediately. Also, don't write the final version under pressure. If you're drafting this at midnight with tired eyes, you'll make mistakes. Write a rough draft when you have some energy. Let it sit for a few hours. Come back to it. The corrections you make on the second pass are always better than the first pass.
Technical Details Most People Miss
Submission guidelines vary significantly between publications. Some require a PDF. Some accept only plain text. Some need supporting documentation like a death certificate before they'll publish. Call the newspaper or funeral home ahead of time and ask about their specific requirements. This step alone has saved me from multiple last-minute resubmissions. The obituary typically runs within three to five business days of submission, but weekend deaths or holidays can extend that timeline. If the family needs it published quickly, Friday afternoon is the worst possible time to submit. Aim for Tuesday or Wednesday morning if you can control the timing. Digital versus print is another consideration. Many papers now offer digital-only obituaries at a lower cost, and some families choose to post exclusively on memorial sites rather than paying for print at all. It's worth asking about the cost difference before committing to a traditional print placement. Digital obituaries also allow for photo galleries and guest books, which print can't match.
There's no perfect way to write a death notice. There are just better and worse attempts. The goal is accuracy, dignity, and a reasonable approximation of who the person actually was. Everything else is decoration.
