How to Write an Obituary That Actually Sounds Like a Person

I have written enough obituaries to know the difference between something that reads like a press release and something that makes people feel like they knew the dead person. It is not about using flowery language or making the person sound perfect. It is about including the specific details that nobody else would think to mention. The first draft of my father's obituary took me three hours because I kept trying to make it sound dignified. I wrote sentences like "He was a pillar of his community" and then deleted them. The version that actually worked was the one that mentioned he kept a jar of mismatched screws in his garage drawer and that he always drove five miles under the speed limit even on empty roads. That was the truth. That is what his neighbors remembered.

Where to Find Sample Obituary Examples Templates Tips And Touching Memorials To Honor A Life

You can find templates at legacy.com, tribute.ca, and various funeral home websites. Do not treat these templates as something you copy and fill in. They are starting points for people who have no idea how to begin. The structure is usually a biography section, a list of survivors, service details, and a closing note about donations or flowers. I keep a folder of obituaries I have saved from newspapers and online tributes. Some are terrible. Some are so short they feel incomplete. The best ones I have read were from small town papers where the writer clearly knew the family. They included details like the name of the person's favorite restaurant or the fact that they never threw anything away because "you might need it later."

The Details That Matter Most

An obituary should answer three questions: Who was this person, what did they do, and how should people remember them. The third question is the hardest to answer because you have to distill a whole life into two paragraphs. When I wrote my mother's obituary, I struggled with whether to mention her second marriage or her career change at age fifty-two. The answer was yes to both. Omitting those details made the person sound like a placeholder instead of a human being. Funeral directors often suggest leaving things out to "protect the family" but that advice is wrong. The point of an obituary is to be accurate, not to present a sanitized version of someone's life. One practical problem I encountered was when the funeral home wanted to charge extra for a longer obituary. They quoted me per line and suggested keeping it to fifty lines to save money. I kept it to eighty-five lines anyway. The newspaper printed it without issue and the family received more letters about meaningful memories than I have ever seen for a single publication.

What to Include and What to Leave Out

Include: full name including any middle names, age at death, city of residence, date of death, brief career or vocation history, surviving family members with their relationships, predeceased family if relevant, service information with date time and location, preferred charity for donations instead of flowers, and one or two specific personal details that capture the person's character. Leave out: excessive religious language unless the family specifically requests it, political opinions or controversial statements, detailed medical information about the cause of death unless the family wants that transparency, and lengthy lists of achievements that read like a resume instead of a tribute. I once worked with a family who wanted to mention their father's three divorces in the obituary. They felt honesty was important. I helped them phrase it carefully by saying "He was married three times and each marriage produced children he loved" instead of listing the ex-wives by name. The result was respectful but truthful.

Writing the Closing Section

The closing of an obetuary usually includes service details and donation preferences. This section should be clear and practical so people know exactly what to do. Avoid vague phrases like "The family will be grateful for any kind words" because that puts the burden on strangers to perform emotional labor during an already difficult time. When writing my own mother's closing section, I specified that instead of flowers the family preferred donations to the local animal shelter where she had volunteered for twenty years. Three hundred dollars came in over the next month and I sent the shelter a note with photographs of the dogs who had been adopted. That felt more meaningful than roses wilted in a vase. The closing should also include contact information if the family wants to receive messages. Email addresses are acceptable but some families prefer a physical mailing address for handwritten cards. I found that handwritten notes arrived more frequently than email messages and I kept them in a box with other meaningful keepsakes.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Spelling the deceased person's name incorrectly is the most embarrassing error and it happens more often than you would think. Always verify the spelling with the family before submitting. Age at death should match official records because discrepancies create confusion among readers who may have known the person. Writing "beloved husband and father" without including any specific details is another common mistake. Those phrases are placeholders instead of tributes. I have read obituaries where the only personal detail was that the person enjoyed gardening. That is too vague to be meaningful because it could apply to thousands of people. Including incorrect service information is a practical problem that causes real frustration for attendees. Always double-check the date time location and any special instructions with the funeral home before publication. I once had to correct an obituary online because the time had been listed as three in the afternoon instead of three thirty. The correction caused minor inconvenience but the accurate information mattered more than rushing to print.

When to Get Professional Help

Some families prefer to write the obituary themselves while others ask the funeral home to draft it. Both approaches are valid but they produce different results. Professional writers tend to produce more polished text but sometimes lose the personal voice that makes an obituary memorable. When my uncle died unexpectedly, the funeral home drafted his obituary in one hour. It was professionally written but read like a generic template instead of a tribute to a specific person. I helped the family rewrite it with details about his collection of vintage radios and the fact that he always wore matching socks even in winter. The revised version felt more authentic and the family received more letters about meaningful memories than the original draft. The cost of professional assistance varies widely depending on your location and the complexity of the obituary. Budget between one hundred and three hundred dollars for a funeral home service and expect to pay additional fees for extra length or revisions. Many families find that writing the obituary themselves costs nothing except time and produces a more personal result.

Final Thoughts on Memorial Writing

An obituary is not a literary exercise. It is a practical notice that serves two purposes: informing the community of a death and providing a lasting record of the person's life. Both functions matter but the second one is often more important because newspapers fade and websites disappear while the memory of a person should endure. When writing about someone you have lost, take your time but do not spend more than two hours on the first draft. If you find yourself stuck on a particular detail, skip it and come back later. The obituary will improve with revision but perfection is not the goal. Clarity and authenticity are. I keep copies of obituaries I have written for family members in a box with other meaningful documents. Some are better than others but they all serve the same purpose: to honor a life by telling the truth about who that person was. That is enough.