Writing an Obituary That Actually Means Something
I have written enough obituaries over the years to know that most of them read like generic résumé summaries. You want yours to stand out for the right reasons, which means focusing on what made that person unique rather than listing every job they ever held. The core of any good obituary is honest specificity. Instead of writing "they were a kind person who loved their family," you describe the Sunday morning pancakes or the way they always remembered everyone's birthday. I worked on an obituary once where the family wanted to include the deceased's battle with dementia. The initial draft was painfully clinical, mentioning "cognitive decline" and "late-stage diagnosis." That felt wrong. I suggested we instead focus on the moments that still came through—the occasional hummed tune from their youth, the automatic wave at the mail carrier. It was a small shift but it changed the entire tone of the piece. Here is what actually matters when you sit down to write one.
Start with the basic facts first. Full name, age, city of residence, date of death. Keep that section tight. People scan obituaries quickly before they get to the actual story. After the opening paragraph, you can go longer. Biographical details should be selective. Include two or three career highlights maximum. If the person retired after thirty years at the same factory, say that. Don't list every position they held unless something was genuinely notable. Family survivors come next. Spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings. I usually recommend listing them by immediate family first, then expanding outward. A common mistake I see is leaving out a child or grandchild accidentally, which causes unnecessary hurt during an already painful time. Triple-check that section. The personal details are what separate a forgettable obituary from one people actually remember. Think about habits, favorite places, inside jokes the family shares, recurring stories people tell at gatherings. I had a client who mentioned her father's legendary stubbornness about changing his driving route after GPS became common. He refused to use it for eleven years. That single anecdote captured his personality better than any adjective I could have used.
Service information goes at the end. Date, time, location, whether it is public or private, and any donation requests in lieu of flowers. Keep this section clearly separated so people can find the logistics without reading through the personal narrative. There are some pitfalls worth noting upfront. One is length. Most newspapers charge by the line or by the column inch, and these add up fast. If budget is a concern, aim for 300 to 500 words and use that space efficiently. Another issue is tone balancing. You want warmth without being overly saccharine. Readers can detect when someone is trying too hard to make everything sound perfect, especially since no life actually is. A practical tip from experience: have at least two other people read the draft before you submit it. I always recommend this because grief makes you blind to errors. You will miss a wrong date, a misspelled name, or a confusing sentence that someone else will catch immediately. I once submitted an obituary with the wrong year of birth because I was looking at the death certificate and not thinking clearly. A friend caught it before publication.
Get the Full Details
Consider the format you are working within. Digital obituaries allow for photos, video tributes, and longer narratives. Traditional newspaper formats are much more restrictive. Know your constraints early and write accordingly rather than rewriting at the last minute under pressure. Another thing people often overlook is the digital footprint. Many families now publish obituaries on memorial websites in addition to local newspapers. These platforms sometimes have word limits or formatting restrictions that differ from print publications. Check the requirements for each venue separately. If you are writing this for someone else rather than planning your own, reach out to people who knew the deceased from different periods of their life. A childhood friend will remember something a spouse would not. A coworker might have a story that rounds out the picture. Collecting these fragments beforehand makes the writing process significantly faster and more complete.
The hardest part is usually knowing when to stop. You will want to include everything, but that is not possible or advisable. The restraint of choosing what to leave out is itself an act of respect. It forces you to identify what was truly central to that person's life. Publication timing matters too. Most newspapers process obituaries within one to three business days. Memorial websites can go up immediately. Plan around the service date so the obituary is available before visitors arrive at the funeral or memorial gathering. There is no single correct way to write an obituary. The best ones simply tell the truth about who the person was, in enough detail that someone reading it twenty years from now will understand why they mattered. Everything else is formatting logistics.
